I dressed myself and picked out my own outfits when I was 3 years old. I read my textbooks, took the quizzes, and homeschooled myself at the age of 9. When I turned 21, I managed my own finances by paying bills, keeping track of my budget, taking care of all the accounts, and filing my tax return on my own. God was the only one I trusted, and I did everything myself, except kill spiders. I let my mom do that.
Then I got married.
I expected it to be forever. I thought he would be faithful, loyal, honest, and kind. Then, I found out everything was a lie. It was like I woke up from a dream to realize my life only existed in my mind. I thought I married a good Christian man. I thought he survived stomach cancer. I was wrong.
After being lied to for years and never suspecting a thing, I didn’t trust myself or anyone else, but I knew God loved me. I just wanted to be with Him and I didn’t want a man because God’s love was more than enough for me.
When I met Mariano, I couldn’t distinguish the truth. Was he a narcissist because he didn’t talk about his emotions, or was he learning how to express himself in a second language? Did he say he wanted to “kill” me because he was a sociopath or because he was still learning English and meant to say, “kiss?” When he talked about his past, I questioned whether he still had feelings for a former crush… From when he was 8 years old…
If Mariano was an honest man, he was obviously too good for me. Or he was a counterfeit and his character was just a mirage he created in the desert. There were moments when I didn’t know. I went back and forth for weeks. Did he pretend to like me, or did he mean what he said? My mind kept seeing red flags, but they were more like harmless magenta flags which appeared red from a distance, only I couldn’t tell the difference.
Then it happened. About a month after we began dating, Mariano didn’t say good morning or answer my question about his day or send me any messages at all. By nighttime, I was convinced my fears had come true. He said he loved me but realized I wasn’t worth it. Why else would he just stop talking to me? There was no other explanation. If he tried to reach out to me in a week or a month, it would be too late. I didn’t want a man who only talked to me when it was convenient for him. Absolutely not.
The following morning, I received a message as if nothing had happened. As if it was perfectly normal and acceptable to ignore me for a whole twenty-four hours. It took every ounce of patience I had to give him a chance to explain.
So I guess telling people you are fasting completely defeats the purpose. Like if someone gives money to a charity but says, “Look at me, I donated money,” then their motives aren’t pure. The same goes for fasting. If someone denies their body food or something important in order to gain self-control and be closer to God, telling everyone about it ruins the act itself.
When Mariano told me fasted from our relationship for twenty-four hours in order to ask God to be with us, I didn’t believe him. There was no way he was telling the truth. I didn’t want to believe he would lie about such a thing, but someone lied to me about having cancer for months and I had no idea. Even if such a man of God existed, the chances of me running into him were slim to none. In the end, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I'm glad I did.
Time was the best indicator of Mariano’s kind, genuine, loving, and forgiving character. I did my best to ignore those false red flags waving all over the place, and he proved to be dependable. He tells me he loves me every single day and his actions, more than his words, show he is trustworthy.
However, independent woman syndrome is very real. It protected me from men who wanted to waste my time, but if I don't learn how to turn it off, it will also push good people away. There is a constant battle within my soul to be independent. When Mariano stopped talking to me that one day, I nearly ended all communication. My self-reliant attitude of “I don’t need a man” almost cost me a relationship with an amazing guy.
I can still be independent as long as it doesn't interfere with my dependence on God and Mariano. Sometimes they both want to help and I need to let them. Just a few weeks ago, I told Mariano it wasn't his job to be there for me while I adjust to living among the mosquitos and flying cockroaches. I was saying we should wait to get married because I need time to deal with my allergic reaction to mosquito bites on my own. And what did he say? "Ummm, yes. Yes, it is my job and I will be there for you until I die." I will never deserve this man.
If it wasn't for God, I would have self-sabotaged my relationship a long time ago. I'm so glad God gives me what I need, even if it isn't what I want.
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