My apartment is across the street from the school I teach at, and I can see the police station from my window. I take thirty seconds to walk to work every morning if there is no traffic and two minutes if there are a lot of motorcycles driving at different speeds, making me question when it’s safe to cross. The apartment building is quiet and the neighbors don’t blast music late into the night. I’ve only ever heard someone play American rock-and-roll on Sunday afternoons. I love my apartment even though I don’t exactly enjoy looking at the giant orange tiled square in the middle of the floor. Orange is not my favorite color.
When I got two rocking chairs instead of a kitchen table, the furniture store had three options. I could buy four chairs with gray cushions on them, but I didn’t want or need four seats. Or I could get two white chairs, but they would get dirty quickly. Or I could purchase two brown rocking chairs with orange cushions. So I got orange cushions.
A few weeks later, I needed another fan since I wasn’t planning on getting an air conditioner anytime soon. Mariano and I are both cold inside stores with air conditioning. In fact, when it is 29 degrees Celsius (84 degrees Fahrenheit), I put a sweatshirt on. However, on hot days the fan in the bedroom wasn’t enough. At the store, we found 3 different fans to choose from. An expensive black one, a white one ready to get dirty, and a black fan with orange on it. Guess which one we got… But after putting the fan in the apartment next to the orange rocking chairs and orange-tiled floor, the orange fan didn’t look so bad.
I still don't like orange. The color is too happy and bright. I don’t like yellow things for the same reason.
But it made me realize how many options and choices I’ve had my entire life. Did I deserve them? Did I need endless color palettes and variations?
At times I’m tempted to believe I deserve certain opportunities or that I’m entitled to them. Sometimes I think there should be rocking chairs available in many colors, food listed on a menu at a restaurant should be sold every hour of the day whether or not the owners have enough money to supply it, and people should show up when they say they will and not waste my time because my time is somehow more important than theirs.
Having these thoughts isn’t necessarily an issue, but they become problematic when they influence my attitude because my expectations aren’t met. If I expect the bus to take me directly to my destination without the driver stopping to fix his hair and reapply gel, or without stopping at the store to get a beverage, I get frustrated when it doesn’t happen. When the store only had three choices, it was kind of frustrating because they didn’t have what I wanted.
I have to remind myself my life isn’t about me. My time isn’t more valuable than anyone else’s, and I’m not entitled to anything. This entire mindset encourages and fuels my selfishness. I want my way. I don’t want an orange chair or an orange fan. I want the bus to stay on schedule and leave at the same time every day. Me me me.
If I’m only thinking about myself, I don’t try to understand the situation from another perspective. Maybe the restaurant is struggling and cannot afford to buy the fruit for the smoothie that day. Perhaps the person who cut me off in traffic is pregnant and is racing to find a bathroom. Or maybe they just weren’t paying attention when they almost hit me. Regardless, it isn’t all about me.
I’m learning to be patient. I get to the store when I get there. I buy the chair that is available. I arrive at church whenever the bus arrives and not a moment sooner. I have to search for reasons to be thankful on an island inhabited by millions of mosquitoes.
“Be happy. You deserve it.”
This statement exemplifies entitlement. We deserve happiness, therefore we should do whatever we need to do in order to make it happen. In my experience, doing what “makes me happy” doesn’t bring satisfaction. Doing what I want when I want isn’t fulfilling because I have no idea what is best for me. God knows what is best and his way is far better than mine. Every single day, He amazes me. He is my joy.
Comments