Our government does not negotiate with terrorists. Similarly, I wouldn’t recommend trying to reason with a narcissist. It isn't possible for reason to reach them. They aren't able to understand the feelings of others and they are incapable of seeing a situation from another's point of view.
I tried to explain my thoughts to a narcissist with no luck. He could not imagine a human being with an opinion different than his own. He was not capable of understanding how his actions affected those around him. After years of trying to understand me and failing, I came to the conclusion that there is no room in his mind for anyone except himself.
Unfortunately, without years of therapy with a licensed professional (and even then I am skeptical as to whether or not it actually makes a difference), a narcissist cannot be reasoned with. Conversations will never end in understanding on their part. Conflicts will not be resolved. Text messages containing several paragraphs will go over their heads. They will make themselves the victims time and time again.
The best way to get “closure” is to write everything down that you wish you could say to a narcissist. Personally, it has helped to write down the things I wanted to say, but I couldn’t because he would have taken it the wrong way or put words in my mouth.
I wish I could have said, "I do not know why you refuse to be honest. I told you many times already that you cannot lie to me anymore. You hear me, but you are either in denial or refuse to listen. Or maybe you have convinced yourself what you are saying is true but you cannot fool me." If I said this, he would have wasted his energy insisting the smallest detail he told me was true instead of realizing I saw past the small truth to the bigger false story.
I also wanted to tell him, "You are a broken record. You tell me you have changed at least once a month. Yet, your actions say otherwise. Either you don’t mean what you say when you say it, or you are telling the truth at the time but you change your mind right away. Even if you do mean what you say today, you and I both know it won't be true tomorrow. You will change your mind and whatever you say today doesn’t matter. So just stop. Either be with me 100% or not at all. You have had ten years to change. If you had any intention of actually doing it, you would have."
Last but not least, I wish I could have told him I didn't believe him without him getting angry in an effort to distract me from the fact that I was right. "I do not believe a single thing you say. Maybe if you didn't attach the fact that you cannot pay your half of the bills to every tragic story, I would believe you.”
The day I was supposed to send in a payment for one of our bills, he told me his dog jumped through the window of our house, trying to leave him like everyone else in his life, so he had to pay to fix it. How convenient that a dog breaks through the window the morning he cannot pay his bills. Maybe bad things actually happen to him on a regular basis. Maybe they don’t. Who knows? It's just suspicious because he frequently uses these stories to get out of something. He also tried to squeeze in a hint of guilt about everyone leaving him...
If I have learned anything from my relationship with this kind of person, it is that they do not change. Therefore, do not negotiate with a narcissist.
Read more here: How To Catch a Sociopath
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