Here are some suggestions for how to repel narcissists, the self-absorbed or anyone who isn't good for you:
1. Let them initiate and maintain contact.
When I'm not sure if a man is particularly selfish or not, I tend to let him send the first message. I patiently wait for him to call and I let him choose where to go or how to spend time together. If I don't know how serious they are about building a strong friendship, I take a step back and see how much effort they actually put forth. This doesn't have to be a long length of time, as both parties should work to maintain a relationship, just long enough to see how much they care. Personally I don't want to be with a guy who sends me a message once or twice a month at midnight when he has no one else to talk to.
2. Give them the responsibility of making plans.
When a guy I was friends with as a child wanted to get together and catch up, I said, "Of course! Sounds great!" I told him my schedule, let him know when I was free and gave him a list of places we could meet. For three consecutive weekends, he asked me to hang out and I waited for him to let me know when he was available but he never did. I refused to choose a time or a place and put the responsibility on him. At the end of the day, if he wanted to see me, he would have made it happen. Apparently choosing when and where to meet was too much work for him. And if such a simple task was exhausting, there was no way he would last in a relationship. Eventually, he got bored and moved on.
3. Wait for them to follow through.
I wait for them to actually do what they say they are going to do. I make sure their actions support their promises. I will not continue the relationship or friendship until I am certain they keep their word.
When the man I married told me was going to go to therapy, I knew he wasn't telling the truth. Instead of calling him a liar I simply encouraged him to go and told him we could talk after he went. I could have found a psychologist myself and scheduled sessions for him but then I wouldn't have known if he was serious about changing or not. Therefore, I gave him the responsibility of following through. On at least five different occasions he said he was going to go. In the end, he never did and I'm glad I waited.
4. Stand your ground.
If I say something, I cannot change my mind. Like a broken record, I repeatedly told the man previously mentioned to get help and contact me after he saw a therapist or psychologist. Every time he said he was going to change, I continued to reply with the same response. I was waiting for him to take action.
If I caved and got back together with him before he showed any signs of actually changing, then he wouldn't have respected me or my boundaries. If I gave in, he would have viewed me as weak and our relationship would have been a disaster. Standing my ground as I did also killed any chance of being together because he never followed through. No matter what, there was no happy ending for us. We would never have a healthy relationship built on mutual respect.
5. Don't be alone with them.
If a man really wants to get to know me and spend time with me, he will do so in a public space such as a restaurant or a cafe. No, I do not want to meet a man alone in my apartment. I stopped talking to this guy after he specifically asked me if I live alone. I don't even live by myself but if I did, I most definitely wouldn't have him over.
6. Sometimes it is necessary to end all contact.
If you tell them no, they might see you as "hard to get" and try even harder. If you ignore them, they might continue talking to you in order to see what they can do to make you respond. When all else fails and ignoring the person doesn't do anything, ending contact is the only alternative.
I had to block one guy who kept messaging me even though I stopped answering him altogether. In his final messages, he says he wants to "just be friends" and that he didn't know I was "that kind of woman." This completely proved my point because I said he didn't know me at all.
I am still learning how to repel people who drain the energy from my soul. I give them responsibility in various forms and observe how well they handle it. This way I quickly recognize who they are and avoid them as much as possible.
Good people will respect you and your boundaries. They will do what they say they are going to do. They will follow through and want you to trust them. They will want to see you and spend time with you in public. This is the kind of person I want to be with.
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