It hasn't even been two years and already my memories are fading but it isn't in the way they are supposed to weaken over time. The memories themselves are crystal clear while the man I shared them with has been removed as if he was never there. It is like I graduated from college, bought a house, got a dog, attended weddings, and went on vacations by myself. And in a way I did.
When I reminisce about adventures we went on, it is as if I experienced them alone. I remember what we did and where we went but he is no longer part of the memories. The details from our trips remain unchanged in my mind except for the fact that he has disappeared. Sometimes I question whether he was even there at all. I am starting to believe I married someone who never existed.
For example, when I got stuck in Canada because I did not have 50 cents to walk back across the bridge to America technically he went with me. However, I was the one who drove to the border and it was my car we traveled in. I asked a strange woman for two quarters. I decided which stores to inquire about cashback on purchases and I decided where to go next when each one left me disappointed. I paid for our food with my credit card because he did not have a credit or bank card at the time. The only thing I can give him credit for is suggesting the casino which I probably wouldn't have thought of on my own. Yet I talked with the cashier, I got a cash advance on my credit card, and I found the coin exchange machine to get 50 cents to return home.
I remember asking him what he wanted to do or where he wanted to go, but I cannot recall his answer. The usual response was either, "I want to do whatever you want to do" or "I don't care." I made most of the decisions because he normally said he didn't care. I assume there were periods of time when he was mentally and physically present but I don't remember them. How could someone be with me for seven years without actually being with me?
I don't want to disregard everything I did during this time in my life. However, he was part of it and I don't want to think about him anymore. Perhaps my subconscious has begun eliminating him in an effort to forget him altogether while salvaging the memories I want to keep. Or maybe he was never truly there. Either way, I feel like I married a ghost.
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