As a little girl, I never dreamed of having a fairy tale wedding. The thought of a celebration devoted entirely to me with everyone’s undivided attention seemed terrible. I wasn’t looking for some prince or knight in shining armor to save the day because I didn’t need saving. I wasn’t waiting for a boy to come along and add happiness to my life because I was already satisfied. Hence the thirteen-year-old girl I used to be resolved to never get married. Ever.
That year I made my parents sign a contract stating I would never get married as long as I lived. I don’t remember exactly what compelled me to begin such a task as creating a binding contract on that particular day. Perhaps I hoped a formal written record would somehow solidify my declaration and thus prevent any potential marriage.
I hunted down a large piece of poster board and turned it into a legal document by writing "Contract" across the top in my most elegant handwriting. As soon as it was complete, I rushed to find my parents. Since I was a mere child, their adult signatures were necessary to make the commitment official. Keeping their doubts to themselves about how long the agreement would actually hold up, they each took the special sharpie marker presented to them and recorded their full names in cursive. My brother was the witness and I signed it too. Thus the contract to avoid marriage was forged.
Many years later when I was 21 years old, I chose to break the deal and marry my best friend. We were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I didn’t need a man, but I chose him because I loved him. He said he loved God. He told me God healed him when he had cancer. He said he trusted God more than anything because He freed him from a serious addiction to pornography. And I believed him.
Right before our four year anniversary, I found out I married a man who was not who he said he was. I loved the character he portrayed, not the man he truly was. He put forth the energy to pretend to be an honest Christian instead of working toward actually becoming one. He only accepted God when life was going well. The God he believed in was like a genie in a magic lamp who served to give him whatever he asked for. The man I thought I married said he was faithful but I discovered his words meant nothing if his actions proved otherwise. In addition, he was severely addicted to pornography because God never healed him and I have yet to see a single item of physical evidence supporting the claim that he really had stomach cancer…
That man used my belief in God to manipulate me, as well as many others. I had no idea someone could look you in the eye, tell you they love you, and not mean a word they say. I didn't know someone could be so heartless. First, he promised to love me and then he betrayed me, abandoned his responsibilities, and broke every promise he ever made.
For a while, I was angry because God wasn’t helping him. His heart was hardened and there was nothing I could do. I was mad because he didn't care about our marriage and God wasn't doing anything about it. Eventually, I had to accept that God doesn’t force Himself on those who want nothing to do with Him. We can choose to reject God and He will honor our choice.
It was difficult to accept there was literally nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I definitely wasn’t perfect but he was going to leave me no matter what I did. I constantly prayed for him and tried to be supportive. I was understanding and I loved him unconditionally. I forgave him and I never gave up. In the end, it wasn’t enough.
Forgiving him was the hardest decision I ever made. I never received a heartfelt apology and he wasn’t sorry for how he treated me but I forgave him anyway. Forgiveness doesn’t mean what he did was acceptable and I won’t continue to let him disrespect me. I forgave him because I wanted happiness in my life again. I let go of the pain and chose joy because I refused to let him destroy my future. If I hold onto bitterness, he wins. I forgave him because it wasn’t my responsibility to give him what he deserves.
My life didn’t turn out the way I thought it would but I continue to trust in the God who created the universe. He saved me from that man. I didn’t have the slightest clue who he was until God revealed the truth. God has been so good to me even though I don’t deserve it. I’m excited to see what He is going to do next. For the past two years, I said I was never getting married again. But perhaps God has a plan for my life that is better than my own...
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