Tears of anger threaten to breakthrough, but I manage to hold them back. Last month, I was informed that my time request off work was not approved. Furthermore, "disciplinary action" will be taken upon my return, should I choose to take time off anyway. This "may or may not" mean being "terminated." Lately, I have been trying to figure out what I am supposed to do with my life. I told myself if I was forced to choose between Jesus and my job, I would choose Him, but why is the decision so difficult?
I was going to go to the Dominican Republic next month with my church. I would be participating in a clinic to provide care to adults and children living in sugar cane villages. These people cannot afford to get to a doctor otherwise. Although I do not have any medical experience, I would be assisting those that do. In addition to meeting basic needs, we would be sharing Jesus' love with the people we meet.
It's not like I would be going on vacation and I would use 6 of the 10 sick/personal days I'm given. I have not missed a single day of school thus far, in spite of having more than an hour commute each way. I'm giving up my personal days to have the opportunity to help those who desperately need Jesus as much as I do. Plus, I would not consider going if I thought my students would suffer from my absence and one of my amazing coworkers agreed to cover for me.
The thing is, I was initially told I could go on the mission trip. Although I was excited about the idea of returning to this country the instant I heard about the possibility, I made sure to speak with my boss before making a decision. I spoke with my principal and she said I could go if I went without pay. After our conversation, I committed to going on the trip and the deposit was paid.
It completely took me off guard when I was called into her office the following week and told, "disciplinary action" would be taken if I went. The district does have the legal right to temporarily suspend or fire me because they are no longer approving time off, even though a week earlier I was given the okay to go. I understand this but if I had initially been told I couldn't go, I wouldn't have committed to the trip in the first place.
I went to the Dominican Republic twice in high school and I left a piece of my heart there. I have seen the joy of Jesus on the faces of children who have no possessions. Witnessing poverty in a third world country changed me forever. My three-year plan already includes moving to this beautiful country. Perhaps the timeline has simply moved up a bit...
For a while, I have been asking Jesus if He wanted me to go on this particular mission trip and I truly felt Him nudging me to go. My entire life I have been indifferent toward just about everything except the little boys and girls I met along the dirt roads of the villages in this foreign country. I finally found something I care about in this world.
At the same time, I love my job. My co-teachers are amazing and my students make the long commute worthwhile. Which is probably why the decision is so hard. I feel like I am letting my co-teachers down if I go on the trip. I do not want our time together to end like this. They have been extremely understanding and supportive through this entire situation and I am truly grateful for them.
To be honest, the idea to stay in the Dominican and not return is quite tempting. Especially if I do not have a job to come back to. However, I cannot afford to move just yet. There is a fine line between trusting God and just being plain reckless. I have no idea where this line is and Google was not able to help me either. I do not want to be irresponsible because of what I believe. For example, I do not think I should quit my job altogether and claim to trust God to provide. He provides by giving me the ability to work and it would be a mistake to do that but I'm risking getting fired if I go. Isn't that slightly irresponsible?
Part of me doesn't want to go against my district's "orders." At the same time, I was given the okay to go, even though it was withdrawn later. I cannot justify backing out of the trip. It is not my fault the school district is millions of dollars in debt. I understand why they changed their minds about approving the trip, but I cannot change mine. The timing of the trip and the district announcing major budget cuts to avoid bankruptcy is either perfect timing or terrible timing. If I go on the mission trip, I would be doing what I believe is right. However, I understand they are doing what they think is right as well.
After weighing my options for about an hour, I decided to go on the trip anyway. I cannot ignore the fact that I know I am making the right decision for me even if I feel sick at the thought of letting my co-teachers down. I'm in a position where I have two options to choose from. I feel like I have to choose between my job and Jesus. If I say "yes" to Jesus, I am saying "no" to the school district. If I listen to the district, I would be ignoring and rejecting what I know is the right thing for me to do.
I have been waiting for this moment for eight years. I could not live with myself if I passed the opportunity up. There is a chance I won't be let go. If I am allowed to stay at my school, I will be thrilled. If I need to find work elsewhere, I'm sure there is another school that is looking for an ESOL teacher. There is also the possibility that the district goes bankrupt and I get laid off anyway. I thought I trusted Jesus but part of me cannot stop thinking about this situation I'm currently in. I guess I will keep reminding myself to trust Him, over and over again, until I completely do. I suppose faith always requires a certain level of risk or recklessness. I just hope I am making the right decision...
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