The day one of the leaders stood before the community church and read a letter from the pastor which stated his infidelity as well as the date of his return after an unusually short absence, was the last day I ever set foot in the building. As soon as he mentioned the pastor’s reappearance after spending a few weeks possibly repenting or maybe just pretending to, I stood up and walked out.
I didn’t need the rest of the details to make my decision and I didn’t think twice about getting as far away from the man as possible. I heard everything I needed to hear in the first sentence of the letter. It didn’t matter why he cheated on his wife, why he used other women for his personal pleasure, or how long he had been acting this way. Whether his wife stayed with him or not was irrelevant. This was actually the second time I watched a man masquerading as a pastor in order to take advantage of innocent people and I wasn’t about to stick around because I knew what was going to happen next.
The affair was a sign of deeply rooted issues. It was one of many symptoms of an evil heart as well as evidence of a flawed character as his confidence crossed the line into arrogance. He acted as a counselor to vulnerable women who sought his help and took advantage of the time they spent alone, claiming to care for them. In my opinion, he should never have that much power again because he abused it and should be forced to accept the consequences of his choices. Yet the leaders of the church were letting him continue as a pastor...
During the single most awkward meal I have ever eaten, the worship leader attempted to convince me to stay. I calmly explained why I was leaving and emphasized the fact that I wasn’t upset or angry. I wasn’t letting my emotions cloud my judgment although my dinner host may have been because his anxiety was growing as the conversation progressed. I wasn’t going to attend a church where someone with a poor character was allowed to lead others. Obviously the worship leader wasn’t listening to me because he repeatedly insisted on forgiving the pastor. I kept reiterating the fact that he needed God’s forgiveness, not mine, although I did forgive him while also demanding he step down as pastor. Finally, I made it clear I wasn’t changing my mind and I never saw either man again.
In the end, the pastor finished his destruction by selling the church building without telling anyone and moving several hours away to a new city where no one knew the truth about him. He single-handedly built up the church before destroying it. The worship leader ended up resigning a while later once he realized I was right but I didn’t blame him for questioning me. After all, I was only 20 years old. What did I know?
Some people seem to think forgiveness means letting someone repeatedly hurt you or remain in your life at your own expense. They believe forgiving others for the wrongs they committed also means they should avoid the results of their mistakes. But I don’t believe it involves any of this.
Forgiveness doesn't excuse or ignore actions. A person can be forgiven and face the consequences of their actions at the same time. For example, those who seriously abuse their power should not retain their leadership role, even though they may repent and be forgiven. Teachers who abuse their power and take advantage of students should never teach again.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean we should stay in a situation where we are repeatedly disrespected, cheated on, or lied to either. I can forgive someone for hurting me and then remove them from my life. I don’t need to prove my compassion by continuing to talk to them. Forgiveness is not attached to the status of a relationship. I will not let someone ignore my boundaries and completely disregard my feelings after I forgave them.
Forgiveness doesn’t depend on the other person’s actions. There were times when I never received a meaningful apology but forgave anyway. Sometimes the person wasn’t even sorry for how they treated me but I let it go. If I held onto an ounce of bitterness, they won. They would control my emotions and I refused to give them that kind of power over me. I severed the ties connecting us so I could move forward. Therefore, forgiveness depends on our daily decision to stop holding a grudge against others for our own good.
Forgiveness is letting go of pain and choosing joy. I forgive because I don’t want to let anyone steal my happiness. It belongs to me and I will fight for it. It isn’t my responsibility to serve justice and make sure everyone gets what I feel they deserve. Forgiveness is about offering grace to those who don’t deserve it while sometimes letting them deal with the outcome of the incident too.
Perhaps the best retaliation is moving forward to something better. My favorite kind of revenge is being free and living life without anything holding me back.
"The best revenge is massive success."
-Frank Sinatra
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