I was getting this feeling that I should give something to the "homeless" man I see each morning. But, what could I give him that would be helpful in the long run? Would he want food or water? Does he need to know where the closest shelter is? Maybe he doesn't have access to the Internet and he truly does not know where to find one. Perhaps he is not even homeless at all.
It was pathetic how difficult it was for me to convince myself to talk to the "homeless" man who stands by the corner near my school. Several days I drove past him in my car because the light was green and I did not want to stop to hold up traffic. However, it would literally have taken seconds to stop and the people behind me could have spared five seconds of their lives. Then, I thought, what if he grabs me and hijacks my car? I mean there would be plenty of witnesses so I doubt he would try and I didn't want to make a decision out of fear.
Finally, after much deliberation, I googled what to give a homeless man and decided that day was the day to approach him. After seeing him smile and wave for four weeks in a row, I finally summoned the willpower to give him something. I settled on water and a bag of food. My students don't eat half their breakfast each morning and I had been stockpiling applesauce, cheerios, and other various snacks for nearly a month.
The last ten minutes of my drive consisted of an intense conversation between the part of me who wants to listen to Jesus and the part of me that does not want any human interaction whatsoever. I couldn't even give a bag of food to someone without second-guessing myself, changing my mind numerous times, deciding I would rather just drive by, and complaining about the situation. I literally had to tell myself to suck it up and just do it already.
I do this over and over again. I know what Jesus tells me to do but I reason against it or use logic to convince myself not to. I did not want to give the man money because he could use it for drugs but if I was homeless I might take drugs too. Who knows? And so what if he is on drugs? That doesn't make him undeserving of help. The guy is a walking twig about to be blown over by the slightest wind.
The man on the corner may or may not be homeless. If he is, then he needs help. If not, then he also needs help because I don't know many people who would stand in 20-degree weather and ask for money. It is humiliating to ask people for cash. I couldn't even do it when I got stuck in Canada and literally needed 50 cents to walk back across the bridge to America. I even contemplated taking coins out of the wishing fountain but I did not want to get wet. I finally went to the casino and paid a $35 fee to take out a cash advance on my credit card for $5 because I could not ask someone for 2 quarters. (There should really be warning signs on the American side of the border to let tourists know it will cost 50 cents to return home.)
Anyway, I ended up stopping for five seconds to ask the "homeless" man if he wanted some food. He gladly took it, I drove away, and that was that. It should not be this difficult for me to be a decent human being but it is. Time and time again I am reminded of how much I need Jesus.
My motives for helping others are not always pure. I didn't feel bad for the man standing in the cold. Maybe he made a series of poor decisions and he is suffering the consequences of his actions. Or perhaps he did nothing wrong and found himself in an unfortunate situation. He can try to find a shelter, emergency housing, or apply for cash assistance. I guess I am saying I don't feel responsible for his circumstances but if there is something I can do to help him I probably should.
In my opinion, people who do not have Jesus and help others are truly kind and I have the utmost respect for them. I struggle to be kind even with Jesus' help and this is another reason why I am not a "Christian." I do not know where they find the motivation to care about other people. However, I suppose motivation has little to do with whether or not we want to do something. I will never want to go to the gym but I motivate myself to go by telling myself I have to. I do not give myself the choice not to go. Also, my doctor told me to exercise every day and I should probably listen to him. Motivation means doing things whether we want to do them or not.
Read more about Why I Am Not a "Christian" here.
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