For some reason, I don’t have many fears. I’m not afraid of death, confined spaces, or heights. I love the rush brought on by amusement park rides, especially the ones high in the sky. I have an appreciation for traveling by myself and flying to other countries. I like being around people although I don’t talk much, so I’m not anxious to attend social events. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach on the first day of school and public speaking is tolerable as long as I memorize the speech. The only things that cause my body to panic are spiders and I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of them but I definitely don’t like the tiny creatures. Other than creepy looking insects, there aren’t many things in this world that make me nervous or fearful.
Then everything changed when I discovered the true nature of certain human beings. I didn’t know someone could be entirely believable yet full of deceit. After realizing cold and heartless people do exist, my life was transformed forever. I learned from my experiences and I’m not the same person I used to be. I’m more understanding, I have a greater capacity for patience and I’m not as selfish as I once was. I thought I was moving forward until I accidentally happened upon an amazing man. My mind opened and I recognized several lies I believed about myself which I wasn’t aware of before. Each lie was essentially caused by fears I didn’t know I had.
Lie: I'm not good enough.
I didn’t think I was good enough for the kind of man I wanted to be with. I had high expectations and I didn’t meet anyone who met them in 26 years. My future husband needed to be honest, kind, respectful, trustworthy, selfless, sacrificial, disciplined, faithful, humble, and funny. Of course, he wouldn’t excel in every area but he would be striving to improve.
I also want to attain these characteristics and I’m nowhere close to being the person I want to be. I get frustrated when someone tries to help me do something I cannot do. Sometimes I’m selfish and only think about myself instead of helping others. When someone wakes me up when I’m sleeping for no apparent reason, a rage burns inside my soul and it requires all my energy to keep it from escaping. I did everything I could to save my marriage and it wasn’t enough because I couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to help himself.
The amazing man I stumbled upon thinks I’m better than I really am and I didn’t think I was good enough for him. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how critical I was of myself because I expected near perfection. I only saw the negative aspects of my personality and focused on my mistakes. He sees me differently but maybe he is right and my view of myself is flawed. In the end, I may never feel “good enough.” However, I'm enough for God.
Truth: God loves me even though I'm not perfect.
If you believe this lie as I did, God says otherwise. I almost let fear prevent me from having a healthy relationship and feeling at peace in the midst of chaos. Fear is a liar but His word is true.
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