Ever since I was little, I always treasured being alone. My favorite activities include walking my dog, reading, and hiking outdoors. I can easily finish an entire book in one day if it catches my attention and I'm in the mood for it. When I go shopping for food or clothes, I often put my earbuds in my ears. This way, life instantly becomes more exciting, as if it has its own soundtrack similar to when music plays in the background of movie scenes. People leave me alone, too, which is an added bonus.
I suppose one could classify me as an introvert. Talking with my friends at school used to be emotionally exhausting. I smiled and listened intently to what my classmates told me because I wanted to be friendly but it came at a cost. It took nearly every ounce of my limited energy to get through the day. The second I returned home each day I locked myself in my room to do my homework and be alone.
Additionally, most of my free time is spent with myself. I cherish solo trips to other countries. I'm entirely at peace in the midst of chaos and in the middle of the busiest cities in the country. I love New York City and Chicago. I can choose to explore or people-watch all day long and no one notices me. Everyone is too focused on themselves to care what anyone else is doing and it's perfect.
I was fully content doing everything myself, going wherever I wanted to go, and doing activities whenever I felt like it. I enjoyed spending time with my friends and family as well as being by myself at night. I thought I wanted to live my life alone. I accepted my status as the third and fifth wheel.
Perhaps being single and being alone are two different concepts. As much as I would love to live on an island by myself, humans aren't exactly meant to be isolated creatures. I truly believed I wanted to be alone because I was happy, which I was, yet I was also afraid.
Lie: I want to be single for the rest of my life.
After being with a man who created highly emotional circumstances for me to endure purely for his own selfish reasons without telling me they were fabricated, I didn't want another man nor did I need one. But at the end of the day, it was an excuse I used to reject men and it was rooted in fear. I didn't want to get hurt again and avoided them because they would be the cause of it. I couldn't be heartbroken if I didn't let anyone close enough to break it. I didn't even realize I was afraid another man would betray me because I settled on living alone for the foreseeable future. Being with someone wasn't even an option so the fear didn't present itself.
Once I did meet a genuinely good man, the constant angst became apparent. Unwilling to let my worries affect our potential relationship, I refused to make any decisions based on how I felt but for a while, I didn’t trust him. I couldn’t even enjoy our time together because I was anxiously waiting for him to stop loving me. For days I felt sick at the uncertainty of what might happen if I got too attached. Secretly, I didn’t want to waste my time if he was going to abandon me.
Thankfully, God stopped me from losing my mind. He was beyond patient with me as I struggled to admit to feeling this dread. All I did was ask Him to take away my anxiety and at precisely the perfect moment, God did what only He can do. Without saying a word to the man I was trying to get to know, somehow he knew exactly when I needed reassurance. He had no idea what I was thinking or feeling but just so happened to speak directly to my fears, causing them to vanish. It was as if I shared my thoughts with God who placed my specific requests in this man's heart which he immediately told me, speaking God's word straight into my soul. God is real and He is so good.
Truth: I am never alone because God is always with me. He loves us and will never abandon us no matter how many mistakes we make.
Although I need my alone time, I'm not supposed to live my life on my own. I almost let fear prevent me from having a healthy relationship and steal my peace. Fear is a liar but God's word is the truth.
コメント