My first official birthday party was the best and worst day of my childhood. There were less than 10 family members in attendance but it was too much and I hated the attention. If I was in a situation where I was forced to outwardly express my happiness I ended up completely drained every time. After the party when I was alone again I decided to sprawl out on the carpet and began kicking my legs. My parents warned me against this as they knew I was going to give myself brush burns but I couldn’t have cared less. For some reason, I felt the urge to continue brushing my feet against the rug so I accepted the results.
The time I was trapped in Canada because I didn’t have 50 cents to walk back across the bridge to the United States, I didn’t get mad because it was my fault. I brought a credit card instead of cash and paid the price. It cost $40 in international fees and charges to obtain the two quarters I needed to return home. I should have known it wouldn’t be free to walk both ways over the bridge and I accepted the consequences.
I couldn’t complain about driving a three-hour daily commute for the past three years either. I chose to accept the teaching position; I was the one who didn’t want to relocate to the faraway city. I could have found a different job but I loved my school and I wanted to stay. In my mind, the only option was to deal with the side effects without objecting.
Lie: I always deserve to face the consequences of my actions…
I'm responsible for the decisions I make and my response to circumstances I cannot control. I make mistakes every day although the ramifications are sometimes not so obvious. I could easily make poor choices instead of healthy ones if I let my guard down (which is why I’m not a Christian). I’m not any better or worse than anyone else. I used to blame myself for everything because there was always something I could have done differently or a better reaction I should have chosen.
I'm the one who got married without doing extensive research on lie detection. I signed the agreement without learning about men who don’t have a conscience and are unable to feel guilt. As a result, I was at peace and accepted the outcome which included being alone for the rest of my life. I deserved it. But I was also afraid and hesitant to receive true love.
I did absolutely nothing to earn the love of a humble man who loves me unconditionally. I don’t deserve a man who has never once criticized me or thought less of me because of what happened in the past. I never thought I would find someone who respects me, genuinely cares about me, encourages me, and supports my goals. I may not be worthy of his love and I definitely didn’t do anything to warrant his affection but I’m grateful for it.
Fear almost prevented me from experiencing unconditional love. Because of this man, I can better understand how much God truly loves me and it is amazing. Technically, I deserve to face the consequences of my actions but that is why God is so good. Sometimes I don't get what I deserve and I'm eternally thankful.
Truth: God loves us unconditionally, especially when we mess up. Jesus died for us and offered grace even though we don't deserve it.
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