Symmetry and organization are my two favorite things. I'm happy when everything is equal and orderly. When I was little, I accidentally dropped one of those small bandaids into the toilet and had to purposely place a second one with it, so it wouldn’t be alone. Consequently, my spine suddenly refusing to grow in a straight line was beyond frustrating. It was maddening and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
My thirteen-year-old self tried wearing a barbaric back brace for a few years, but it didn’t seem to slow down the process. My spine was determined to make itself resemble the letter S. Because the top half offset the bottom half, many people said it wasn’t clearly noticeable but I constantly thought about how uneven I was. Every time I sat down, I felt half my back putting more pressure on the chair than the other. Laying on my right side felt different than my left each and every night.
For years and years, I asked God to heal me. As a teenager, genuinely and with every bit of my heart, I believed He would heal my back. There was no doubt in my mind that he wouldn’t do it. I knew He could make my spine straight in an instant. God just had to say the word and it would be done. Sometimes I wonder how I believed in something so strongly, yet ended up being completely wrong.
As time went by and nothing happened, I began to question if God would fix me. Day after day, disappointment flooded in every time I woke up unchanged. Ten years after I found out I was no longer symmetrical, I gave up. I decided to stop wasting my time asking God for something He obviously was never going to do. I also gave up any hope of surgery. I thought I was too far gone.
Then one day, about two years ago, I realized there was a patch of skin that had gone numb on my back. I didn’t really need to feel there, so I didn’t think anything of it. Months later, my skin was still numb so I made an appointment to see a doctor just in case. After many tests which failed to determine the cause of the insensitivity, my doctor referred me to a surgeon.
Upon seeing the x-rays, the surgeon urged me to have an operation immediately. I was told my back wouldn’t get worse after I stopped growing at 18 but it was definitely getting worse. If he didn’t stabilize it, it would continue to bend and eventually cause serious problems. With each passing day, I would get older and my body would be less likely to heal afterward. So I scheduled the surgery. When my surgeon told me the risks were as serious as open-heart surgery, I couldn’t change my mind. When he said I would have to walk or stand up every hour in the weeks after surgery, instead of sleep all day like I was looking forward to doing, there was no point in complaining about it (even though I protested anyway). I didn’t have a choice.
I had two months to prepare for my possible death. There were several potential outcomes but worrying about them wouldn’t change what was going to happen. Maybe the surgery would go as planned and everything would work out. Or I could be paralyzed which wouldn’t be the end of the world. If I had a stroke and went blind, it would be difficult, but I would manage. I wasn’t afraid to die either because I know where I’m going after I die. Instead of trusting God to produce the outcome I most desired, this time I chose to trust Him no matter what happened.
When the day arrived, I asked my parents to take care of my dog if I didn't make it and fell asleep before I was even in the operating room. After an 8-hour surgery and an additional several hours fervently spent working to save my leg from being paralyzed, my amazing surgeon and his team manually pulled my spine into the shape it was supposed to be. Moving my lungs, organs, hips, and shoulders, as well as making me 2 inches taller, he successfully straightened my spine as much as he could. I'm still amazed at what he did.
Having this surgery caused me to realize how weak my faith used to be. Faith doesn’t mean believing in God when He does exactly what I want Him to do. It doesn't mean getting frustrated with God when my rebellious spine needs titanium rods to hold it up. He could have healed me the way I wanted Him to but He chose not to. And in the end, I’m glad He didn’t listen to me.
First, I was selfish to want God to heal me when I wasn’t in pain and my messed up back didn’t prevent me from doing anything. There are people who are in chronic pain whose lives are a struggle and here I was asking God to make me even again. Yes, my spine might have eventually started crushing my organs and it was a serious problem, but I should have been focusing on more important matters and thinking about others instead of myself.
Second, I am thankful God is a good parent and doesn’t give me what I want when I want it. What would I have learned if He just made all my problems disappear? I most certainly wouldn’t trust Him as much as I do now. Faith involves trusting God because He is God and trusting Him no matter what happens in this life.
Exactly one year ago, God supplied the healthcare necessary to cover a surgery I didn’t even know I needed, He provided an excellent surgeon, and gave me a selfless family who helped me learn how to stand, walk, breathe and exercise in a new body. I was able to go to Spain by myself seven months after surgery and to the Dominican Republic a few weeks ago. I have come a long way in a year, but I still have a long road ahead. I'm determined to do a sit-up one day and not get stuck on the gym floor like a turtle whose shell has trapped the animal on its back.
I don't believe I deserved to be fixed because I truly had no hope of being repaired. Nevertheless, I’m forever grateful God didn’t miraculously heal me.
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