I don't like it when people say I was "too good" for the man I married. I don't agree. I believe the only difference between us is the choices we make. He is one decision away from turning his life around. Obviously, it will take hard work and dedication to change, but it starts by taking one step in the right direction. I tend to make better choices than he does, but my motives are not always pure. I choose to face my pain instead of running away from it because I was taught to do this. There are times when I am friendly with people, even though I do not want to be. I do it because Jesus says to be kind to others, but I do not always feel like it. God stops me from making bad choices. What if I am one decision away from becoming like the guy I married?
I am not mean, but I would not describe myself as a "nice" person, either. I have to consciously think of ways to be kind to others. It does not come naturally for me. I have no idea how people have patience and kindness without Him. If I did not have Jesus, I would be a mess. He reminds me to be patient with my students and He is the reason I care about others.
To be honest, it is so difficult for me to be compassionate sometimes. Just yesterday, I was annoyed with myself because I simply could not think of a single kind response to anything my mom was saying all morning. She was doing absolutely nothing wrong. She was talking about the weather, what our plans were for driving to the museum the next day, and what she was making for dinner. For no reason, these sarcastic and slightly rude comments repeatedly popped into my head and they would not go away. I have no idea where they came from and the responses instantaneously rose to the front of my mind after each sentence she spoke.
I ended up not saying anything, because “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” but that made me frustrated because I was burying the negative thoughts deep inside. I needed to get rid of them, not stuff them behind a closet door so they could come spilling out next time I went to open it. I had to walk away and sit alone in my room for a while. I listened to songs whose singers screamed the lyrics instead of singing until I was not bothered anymore.
It is about time I do this. I am going to start reading my Bible again with a special highlighter in hand that does not bleed through the exceptionally thin pages. It has been too long since I last picked up this book of life. I am starting at the beginning because I have already read through the new testament. I am interested in reading the old testament for the first time. I am fully prepared to skip sections of lengthy names. I do not understand how anyone could bear through the lists of biblical ancestors without being bored. There is no goal in mind because if I set out to read two pages or three pages a day, I will just end up rushing through them.
I know it is important to read the Bible in order to learn more about Jesus, but I would so much rather listen to songs about Him or talk to Him directly. I can listen to songs about His love and greatness all day. I memorize songs that are based on His truth, but I have a hard time remembering Bible verses word-for-word. I also have no idea where any of the verses are found. I cannot remember random numbers that are not purposefully associated with the words they represent. There is nothing in the verse, "For God so loved the world..." that has anything to do with the numbers 3 or 16. Mere repetition helps me remember John 3:16, but I cannot use this technique for every Bible verse. It took years of exposure. If I want to know where a verse is found, I type the verse into Google and search for its location.
I am definitely not meant to pray out loud, either. People say praying is like talking, but every prayer I have ever heard was skillfully put together. Pastors do not pray like they are speaking to a friend. They plan their words carefully. I do not pray as they do. This is how I talk to Jesus:
“Jesus, please help B… actually I totally forgot you told me to stop praying about that, and besides, I cannot exactly ask you to help him if he does not want to help himself. So what do I even want you to do for him? I have no idea. The only way he would possibly turn to you is if he had nothing. I cannot possibly ask you to make him homeless and take away his health and his family and everything he cares about. Even then, he probably would not realize he needs you. I guess there is nothing I can pray about for Brian. So anyway, I want to pray for his family. I hope they will be able to see how much you love them and want what is best for them. But how are they going to see that? I don't know, but maybe you could use me to do that. Or maybe I hope they will come to know you personally, which they kind of need to do before anything else. So just forget about the other prayer. Also, thank you for giving me family and friends who love and support me. And help me start reading the Bible every day because that is the only way I am going to know the truth about you and stop letting the world convince me otherwise. But it is so boring sometimes to read and I really do not want to, I am sorry, I just need your help. And sorry for complaining just now. Okay. Goodbye.”
And that is why I refuse to pray with other people. I talk to God all the time, but I would never say any of it out loud. Therefore, I do not see myself as a "Christian." I am not good at praying or reading the Bible or being kind to others. I am just Kayla and I love Jesus.
The first page in my Bible reads: “This book is the most valuable thing that this world affords. Here is wisdom.” How true is that? My eyes fill with tears as I take in this much-needed reminder.
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