A person's use of language often reveals their true nature. We can say a lot about someone from their choice of words, especially in how they apologize. Saying sorry might be an effort to make amends, but not always. I’m careful not to assume the words are an offering of sincere repentance every time. There are many subtle differences between a meaningful confession and a hollow apology. These are just a few indications that distinguished between the two for me.
"I'm sorry for the pain I caused you."
If he coupled this with additional words of remorse, it might have been a genuine apology, but it wasn’t. There was so much he didn’t say. He didn’t apologize for being unfaithful, distorting the truth, purposely being deceitful to make himself look better, abandoning me, giving up, or being with other girls when he was still legally married. He didn’t take responsibility for anything he did. He merely said he was sorry for the pain he caused. This shallow attempt to apologize meant nothing. Besides, he said he was sorry in a text message at midnight. Maybe it would have meant something if he said it to my face, but probably not.
"I'm sorry for ruining your life."
Maybe this looks like an apology, but he said so much more in this single sentence. First, the guy assumed my life was over because of what he did. However, I never gave him the power to destroy my future because my future wasn’t dependent on him, nor did my life revolve around him. There was no way I would let one man wreck everything. It took a lot of arrogance to believe he was powerful enough to ruin my life. He may have hurt and betrayed me, but he definitely didn’t cause complete devastation.
Second, he only said he was sorry for the outcome he thought he produced, not his actions. The message only came after the truth was revealed which showed he didn’t regret his decisions, only the consequences. This meant he would most likely do the same thing again, which unfortunately he did to someone else.
“I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I know I can’t change anything, but I wish I could.”
The number of times he said this eliminated its impact altogether. He did the same thing too many times to be sorry about it. At a certain point, sorry doesn’t mean sorry anymore. He kept apologizing after repeatedly making poor decisions without changing his actions, so the words meant nothing. If he was remorseful, then he would have tried to be a better person. When someone says they are sorry for hurting you but keep hurting you, then they aren’t actually sorry.
Over the years, I have learned much about what makes up a genuine acknowledgment of wrongdoing versus an empty claim to change. Only time proves if someone is serious, so be patient and wait to see if they mean what they say.
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