I used to be a perfectionist. To the extreme. There was a time when I would study for hours on end in hopes of getting 100% on a biology or calculus exam. Anything less than a perfect score was unacceptable and I hardly had a life in high school. It once took me hours to write a simple essay because I revised it over and over again until it resembled something I considered close to perfection. I was disappointed with myself when I received my first B in college, forever ruining the possibility of graduating with a 4.0 GPA.
I have no idea where this desire came from. My parents didn't have high expectations for me or maybe they did, but they certainly didn't pressure me. I have always aspired to do my personal best no matter what it is. I was and still am extremely competitive against myself. I am forever trying to be better and do better than I did before.
How I managed to survive high school and college without too much internal stress is beyond me. I hid it well, but I was anxious if I knew I was going to arrive at an event late because of traffic. I would panic inside at the thought of walking into a seminar two minutes after it began. I didn't go to the bathroom at all in high school because I didn't want to miss anything. In college, I was twenty minutes early to class so I could choose a seat in the back row. I went to school when I was sick and only missed one class of one course during my undergraduate program because I got Mono.
It took many years before I realized I didn't have to try so hard. It took 17 years for me to recognize I could sign out a hall pass to go to the school bathroom even though I didn't really have to go to the bathroom. It wasn't until I was 25 that I discovered nothing bad actually happens if you are late to something. For the most part, no one cares and you don't get in trouble.
Looking back, I don't understand why I wasted so much time on such insignificant tasks. Employers couldn't care less if I had a 4.0 or 3.8 GPA. I don't recognize that person anymore. I suppose she is still hiding inside but I can ignore her if I want to. If there is a snowstorm, I will dare to leave work 15 minutes early since I generally arrive an hour before school starts anyway. I am learning to let things go if they are beyond my control. I used to think I was calm but I see now I wasn't even close to being as relaxed as I could have been.
My entire life, my priorities were jumbled and out of order. Good grades, being on time, and doing my best work are worthy goals to have but they are not everything. Some things are more important. I don't want to look back on my life and have any regrets. At the end of my days, I probably won't even remember teaching a lesson I spent fifteen minutes planning instead of an hour. However, I might regret spending so much time working that I miss hanging out with my friends and family.
I am still learning how to correctly prioritize my life and thankfully God has been patient with me. It is impossible to be perfect and my life would be incredibly boring if it was. I don't expect or want anyone else to be perfect, so I shouldn't demand it of myself either. I can appreciate the mistakes I make because they have shaped who I am today. My name is Kayla and I'm a recovering perfectionist.
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